i have a confession and here seems as good a place as any, well more private than facebook i guess.
i am mean to my husband, there, i said it...my kind, loving, soulmate of 11 years,
i treat him like crap...a lot.
this is not something i am proud of but i can't seem to control it.
now don't misunderstand me, i love him with my whole heart, he is the only man for me and always will be. but i have become mean, easily angry, critical and stopped showing affection to him.
as i write that tears well up, because i loathe this side of me.
i want it to stop.
i want to turn back the clock and take back everything i've said that is less than kind or loving to him.
i want to be the happy, affectionate, outgoing girl he first met, not this depressed, cranky shrew i am now.
i know a lot of my change in personality is due to depression that started after my first miscarriage and has affected me on and off since then. we have lost 6 babies, my dad died the same year i lost 3 of them and my first marriage was abusive.
i think the depression all came crashing in when i felt safe, thanks to chris, almost like i knew that no matter how i treated him, he would still love me...and he has.
i'm very lucky aren't i?
we try to gentle parent our girls, we are commited to giving them love, respect and freedom to be who they want to be. so why don't i apply those same principles to my husband, he deserves them so much!
i have decided i need to make some changes, start looking after myself, actually taking the things i know will help how i feel. i mean natural things, not drugs
(my choice) not a judgement of anyone who does take them.
my mum, sister and brother have all taken anti-depressants and they had various unpleasant side affects, so i decided to try the natural route instead.
i found a naturopathic antidepressant, st johns wort and also take magnesium chloride powder and maca powder (from a peruvian root) which helps with hormonal imbalances and libido (which has also disappeared) i feel very guilty about this, which also adds to the depression.
remembering to take these things is a problem i have, it's almost like i have a mental block that thinks i don't deserve to feel better...weird how your mind works isn't it? but i need to start feeling better, my family needs a happy mama and my love needs his wife back.
so i guess the whole point of this is to say, if you feel like this too, you're not the only one. i am determined to feel better, to start enjoying life and my family again.
i hide behind the computer and watch tv to escape but i deserve to be more than that. i just need to convince my mind and make it happen.
bye for now my lovelies xx
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
our animal family
we have added to our animal family in the last two weeks. some lovely friends have a poultry business + were kind enough to make a road trip from perth to deliver some chookies, goats + ducks. the girls were so excited + miss t said "now we are almost a real farm mama, we just need some horses!" i love how much the girls are into their animals, they have an affinity for them + are not remotely scared, regardless of how big they are.
so our days now go like this... we feed them vege + fruit scraps every morning with the chookies having lettuce, celery tops, apple + tomato which they fight over! it must be the equivalent of chook candy! the ducks have lettuce + celery tops at the moment (we're still finding out what they like) + we put it in their water bowl as ducks like to wash their food down. we give both the chookies + ducks chicken feed at the moment but we will be changing to soaked grains asap so we are not inadvertantly feeding them gm feed. you can't be sure what is in standard feed as you don't know where the crops come from. we want our food to be as organic as possible so that includes what we feed our chookies, as we will be eating their eggs. our goats eat pretty much eat anything + they like browsing which means eating leaves off trees + shrubs. we have heaps of these scattered over our 7 acres so they will be kept happy. it's funny watching them balance on fences + rocks to reach up + eat. they are very agile + we have rock piles + dead trees here + there, which they like climbing. we then feed them, goat pellets in the afternoon + top up the feed for the chookies + ducks if it's running low + check for eggs. we are averaging 2 eggs a day at the moment which is brilliant so more will be a bonus.
now to introduce them properly (+ when i finally learn how to upload photos on here) you will be able to see them in all their cuteness. our goats + ducks were already named so that influenced our name choices for the chookies, as the other animals have vintage names, which i love. so... mama goat is called doris (she is a piggy when it comes to food + a bit bossy!), her son is percy, he is very sweet + shy but is warming up to us. betty is our other girl + she is shy too, although i think this has a lot to do with doris pushing her out of the way all the time! my duck boys, who are best buddies, are bert + ernie. they are white pekin ducks + follow me everywhere, quacking madly! they are very cute + funny although the girls are a little wary of their 'love pecks', telling me they are bossy as they sit on the gate out of reach!heehee... our chookies are various breeds, we have 3 mature, already laying hens + 6 teenagers. they are effie, pearl, angelina, eliza, posy, evie, mabel, lucille + flossie. miss s adores the girls, we call her the 'chicken whisperer" as she can pick several of them up + eliza (one of the teenage black ones) is very tame + even went to sleep on her perch while miss s was stroking her!
we already had 5 sheep, 2 rams, 2 wethers + 1 ewe, who we haven't named yet but we will now as i know what direction we are going in. it probably seems a little over the top to name all our animals, but we won't be eating them, they are pets. this weekend will be a busy one as we will be building a shelter for the goats + a pen + house for the ducks. they roam during the day but need to be locked up at night to protect them from foxes. we were lucky to already have a good size, secure chookie house for the girls on the property, so we just need to fence off an area around it so they can be outside during the day. i am thinking that is enough animals for now! as we also have a dog, milly, 2 cats, bellacat + dahlia + 2 guinea pigs, harmony + rhapsody.
i am responsible for feeding them all + i have not done this much physical activity or been so dirty (ever picked up a duck??) in my life! it is great though + i'm sure we will get into a nice routine. i will keep you apdated as we build things + will say thanks for visiting + bye for now my lovelies xx
so our days now go like this... we feed them vege + fruit scraps every morning with the chookies having lettuce, celery tops, apple + tomato which they fight over! it must be the equivalent of chook candy! the ducks have lettuce + celery tops at the moment (we're still finding out what they like) + we put it in their water bowl as ducks like to wash their food down. we give both the chookies + ducks chicken feed at the moment but we will be changing to soaked grains asap so we are not inadvertantly feeding them gm feed. you can't be sure what is in standard feed as you don't know where the crops come from. we want our food to be as organic as possible so that includes what we feed our chookies, as we will be eating their eggs. our goats eat pretty much eat anything + they like browsing which means eating leaves off trees + shrubs. we have heaps of these scattered over our 7 acres so they will be kept happy. it's funny watching them balance on fences + rocks to reach up + eat. they are very agile + we have rock piles + dead trees here + there, which they like climbing. we then feed them, goat pellets in the afternoon + top up the feed for the chookies + ducks if it's running low + check for eggs. we are averaging 2 eggs a day at the moment which is brilliant so more will be a bonus.
now to introduce them properly (+ when i finally learn how to upload photos on here) you will be able to see them in all their cuteness. our goats + ducks were already named so that influenced our name choices for the chookies, as the other animals have vintage names, which i love. so... mama goat is called doris (she is a piggy when it comes to food + a bit bossy!), her son is percy, he is very sweet + shy but is warming up to us. betty is our other girl + she is shy too, although i think this has a lot to do with doris pushing her out of the way all the time! my duck boys, who are best buddies, are bert + ernie. they are white pekin ducks + follow me everywhere, quacking madly! they are very cute + funny although the girls are a little wary of their 'love pecks', telling me they are bossy as they sit on the gate out of reach!heehee... our chookies are various breeds, we have 3 mature, already laying hens + 6 teenagers. they are effie, pearl, angelina, eliza, posy, evie, mabel, lucille + flossie. miss s adores the girls, we call her the 'chicken whisperer" as she can pick several of them up + eliza (one of the teenage black ones) is very tame + even went to sleep on her perch while miss s was stroking her!
we already had 5 sheep, 2 rams, 2 wethers + 1 ewe, who we haven't named yet but we will now as i know what direction we are going in. it probably seems a little over the top to name all our animals, but we won't be eating them, they are pets. this weekend will be a busy one as we will be building a shelter for the goats + a pen + house for the ducks. they roam during the day but need to be locked up at night to protect them from foxes. we were lucky to already have a good size, secure chookie house for the girls on the property, so we just need to fence off an area around it so they can be outside during the day. i am thinking that is enough animals for now! as we also have a dog, milly, 2 cats, bellacat + dahlia + 2 guinea pigs, harmony + rhapsody.
i am responsible for feeding them all + i have not done this much physical activity or been so dirty (ever picked up a duck??) in my life! it is great though + i'm sure we will get into a nice routine. i will keep you apdated as we build things + will say thanks for visiting + bye for now my lovelies xx
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