heartbroken

i want my baby back...is the thought that keeps running on repeat through my mind...i want my baby back.
i never got to meet my little one, they slipped from my body at 11 weeks, with pain and blood, gone forever.
this is not the first time, this was my seventh precious little life lost, and it gets harder, not easier.
i have two perfect little girls, i am luckier than some, that two of my pregnancies
have resulted in the children i desperately wanted.
but i still want my baby back, this little one who just left me, not planned but wanted so much.
i had plans, i had bought things already, i had names chosen.
we had announced our joy to family and friends. now i feel stupid for being so confident,
with my history i should have known better shouldn't i?
i hate my body, for rejecting my baby, i have no idea if that is the reason but that's how i feel.
i feel angry, so angry, at my inability to protect my baby, to keep them safe.
i feel guilty for losing this child who was half of my gorgeous husband,
who wanted this child as much as i did.
i look at my girls and mourn the little one who would have been just as precious as they are.
when you're pregnant, you feel special, useful, everyone is happy and interested in you.
then when you lose it, you are pitied, in the kindest possible way but no longer special.
i felt like i had a purpose, i was nurturing a life, giving my husband another beloved child,
my girls a brother or sister, my family a cousin, niece, nephew, granchild and great grandchild.
now i give nothing, just sorrow.
i am older, it's common i'm told but it feels wrong. if i can still fall pregnant, why can't i carry my child? non-one knows why this happens, it just does and it is heartbreaking.
my heart goes out to all the mama's who have lost a child or more than one
and the women who can't have a child, it stinks, it's not fair.
that also runs through my head over and over, it's not fair! it isn't but you can do nothing about it.
my baby is gone...and i want them back...

confession

i have a confession and here seems as good a place as any, well more private than facebook i guess.
i am mean to my husband, there, i said it...my kind, loving, soulmate of 11 years,
i treat him like crap...a lot.
this is not something i am proud of but i can't seem to control it.
now don't misunderstand me, i love him with my whole heart, he is the only man for me and always will be. but i have become mean, easily angry, critical and stopped showing affection to him.
as i write that tears well up, because i loathe this side of me.
i want it to stop.
i want to turn back the clock and take back everything i've said that is less than kind or loving to him.
i want to be the happy, affectionate, outgoing girl he first met, not this depressed, cranky shrew i am now.
i know a lot of my change in personality is due to depression that started after my first miscarriage and has affected me on and off since then. we have lost 6 babies, my dad died the same year i lost 3 of them and my first marriage was abusive.
i think the depression all came crashing in when i felt safe, thanks to chris, almost like i knew that no matter how i treated him, he would still love me...and he has.
i'm very lucky aren't i?
we try to gentle parent our girls, we are commited to giving them love, respect and freedom to be who they want to be. so why don't i apply those same principles to my husband, he deserves them so much!
i have decided i need to make some changes, start looking after myself, actually taking the things i know will help how i feel. i mean natural things, not drugs
(my choice) not a judgement of anyone who does take them.
my mum, sister and brother have all taken anti-depressants and they had various unpleasant side affects, so i decided to try the natural route instead.
i found a naturopathic antidepressant, st johns wort and also take magnesium chloride powder and maca powder (from a peruvian root) which helps with hormonal imbalances and libido (which has also disappeared) i feel very guilty about this, which also adds to the depression.
remembering to take these things is a problem i have, it's almost like i have a mental block that thinks i don't deserve to feel better...weird how your mind works isn't it? but i need to start feeling better, my family needs a happy mama and my love needs his wife back.
so i guess the whole point of this is to say, if you feel like this too, you're not the only one. i am determined to feel better, to start enjoying life and my family again.
i hide behind the computer and watch tv to escape but i deserve to be more than that. i just need to convince my mind and make it happen.
bye for now my lovelies xx

our animal family

we have added to our animal family in the last two weeks. some lovely friends have a poultry business + were kind enough to make a road trip from perth to deliver some chookies, goats + ducks. the girls were so excited + miss t said "now we are almost a real farm mama, we just need some horses!" i love how much the girls are into their animals, they have an affinity for them + are not remotely scared, regardless of how big they are.
so our days now go like this... we feed them vege + fruit scraps every morning with the chookies having lettuce, celery tops, apple + tomato which they fight over! it must be the equivalent of chook candy! the ducks have lettuce + celery tops at the moment (we're still finding out what they like) + we put it in their water bowl as ducks like to wash their food down. we give both the chookies + ducks chicken feed at the moment but we will be changing to soaked grains asap so we are not inadvertantly feeding them gm feed. you can't be sure what is in standard feed as you don't know where the crops come from. we want our food to be as organic as possible so that includes what we feed our chookies, as we will be eating their eggs. our goats eat pretty much eat anything + they like browsing which means eating leaves off trees + shrubs. we have heaps of these scattered over our 7 acres so they will be kept happy. it's funny watching them balance on fences + rocks to reach up + eat. they are very agile + we have rock piles + dead trees here + there, which they like climbing. we then feed them, goat pellets in the afternoon + top up the feed for the chookies + ducks if it's running low + check for eggs. we are averaging 2 eggs a day at the moment which is brilliant so more will be a bonus.
now to introduce them properly (+ when i finally learn how to upload photos on here) you will be able to see them in all their cuteness. our goats + ducks were already named so that influenced our name choices for the chookies, as the other animals have vintage names, which i love. so... mama goat is called doris (she is a piggy when it comes to food + a bit bossy!), her son is percy, he is very sweet + shy but is warming up to us. betty is our other girl + she is shy too, although i think this has a lot to do with doris pushing her out of the way all the time! my duck boys, who are best buddies, are bert + ernie. they are white pekin ducks + follow me everywhere, quacking madly! they are very cute + funny although the girls are a little wary of their 'love pecks', telling me they are bossy as they sit on the gate out of reach!heehee... our chookies are various breeds, we have 3 mature, already laying hens + 6 teenagers. they are effie, pearl, angelina, eliza, posy, evie, mabel, lucille + flossie. miss s adores the girls, we call her the 'chicken whisperer" as she can pick several of them up + eliza (one of the teenage black ones) is very tame + even went to sleep on her perch while miss s was stroking her!
we already had 5 sheep, 2 rams, 2 wethers + 1 ewe, who we haven't named yet but we will now as i know what direction we are going in. it probably seems a little over the top to name all our animals, but we won't be eating them, they are pets. this weekend will be a busy one as we will be building a shelter for the goats + a pen + house for the ducks. they roam during the day but need to be locked up at night to protect them from foxes. we were lucky to already have a good size, secure chookie house for the girls on the property, so we just need to fence off an area around it so they can be outside during the day. i am thinking that is enough animals for now! as we also have a dog, milly, 2 cats, bellacat + dahlia + 2 guinea pigs, harmony + rhapsody.
i am responsible for feeding them all + i have not done this much physical activity or been so dirty (ever picked up a duck??) in my life! it is great though + i'm sure we will get into a nice routine. i will keep you apdated as we build things + will say thanks for visiting + bye for now my lovelies xx 

why we chose unschooling (or it chose us)

we have decided that we won't be sending our girls to school. it is a very personal decision, not necessarily for everyone, but one we feel is right for us as a family. our 5 yr old daughter is a highly sensitive child + we feel being at home with us is the best option for her. she + her sister are best friends + love being together (with the occasional disagreement!)
i really wanted to stay home with our girls + my DH is very happy + supportive of me doing so. after much research before i had them (largely due to my younger sister) we decided that we would homeschool, then unschool, which is child led learning + doesn't involve structured lessons. the great thing about unschooling or freeschooling as some call it, is that you can take aspects from all different methods + choose whichever parts suit your children best.
i like aspects of montessori, they suggest scaling items down to child size so they can do things themselves (which little ones love), organizing their toys + things so they can find + play with them easily.
waldorf has some lovely practices, celebrating the seasons, going out + collecting items to make a nature table, using natural, organic materials + making things yourself, embracing a simplicity of living.
unschooling isn't about curriculums + structure, it's about giving your child the freedom to discover for themselves. letting them decide what they are interested in + providing the resources or access to resources, whether it be books, the internet, field trips or tv (yes, i said tv!). my girls have learnt so many things already from the shows they watch + we don't police how much they watch, they choose. i do keep an eye on content but they are free to watch when they want to. this may frighten you but i've found they don't watch a huge amount, it's more of a wind down or rest thing for them.
they spend most of their time outside, playing, painting + making things. trusting them + their natural ability to learn, without coersion is the hardest thing for many of us, as we have grown up going to school + thinking we have to control + set boundaries in every aspect of our children's lives because that is how we were brought up.
we have had to learn to unschool our way of thinking, realise that our little ones are people too + deserve choice in everything they do, including how, what + when they learn. they choose their own pace + their own unique way + learning with them, is a journey to be looked forward to. our girls already know so many things + it has been learnt entirely on their own!
there are some fabulous blogs out there, many of which i read +
it's so encouraging to read of other families who have embraced this way of life + the joy they experience, living in tune with + learning along with their children.
here are some of my favourites + from them, you can follow links to THEIR favourite blogs : )
thesparklingmartins.blogspot.com
themagiconions.blogspot.com
sandradodd.com
soulemama.typepad.com
lifelearningmagazine.com

what am i doing?

well,hi there : )
some beloved people close to me think i should start actually writing on this blog page i created!are they crazy?i have nothing interesting to write,do i??but then again,i read many blogs,written by everyday mama's,who probably think the same thing+i love them.
so maybe,just maybe,i might give it a go.can't hurt can it?
i can't promise i won't talk about random things or some sparkly thing that catches my eye!but hopefully i won't bore you too much+if you come back,i guess i'm doing something right,right?
so here it is,my first post,if it can be counted as that.
+if you want to do something kind+selfless,click on the donate button to help a dear friend get a much needed water tank.
thanks lovelies xx

why i have a donate button

hi my lovelies, i just wanted to let you know why i have a 'donate' button on my blog.
i have a very dear friend who lives on a farm with her DH + two little girls. 
through no fault of their own, times have been hard + they need an additional water tank so they have enough water for them, their animals + their vege garden, as they try to be as self-sufficient as possible. she is one of the hardest working + most generous people i know + i wish i could just buy it myself but we lead a life pretty much the same as they do. her DH works away to support them so she spends a lot of time on her own with her little ones. so if you would like to help a deserving SAHMama + her little family, be a love, click on the donate button + go from there.  
every little bit counts.
thank you so much for your generosity : )