heartbroken

i want my baby back...is the thought that keeps running on repeat through my mind...i want my baby back.
i never got to meet my little one, they slipped from my body at 11 weeks, with pain and blood, gone forever.
this is not the first time, this was my seventh precious little life lost, and it gets harder, not easier.
i have two perfect little girls, i am luckier than some, that two of my pregnancies
have resulted in the children i desperately wanted.
but i still want my baby back, this little one who just left me, not planned but wanted so much.
i had plans, i had bought things already, i had names chosen.
we had announced our joy to family and friends. now i feel stupid for being so confident,
with my history i should have known better shouldn't i?
i hate my body, for rejecting my baby, i have no idea if that is the reason but that's how i feel.
i feel angry, so angry, at my inability to protect my baby, to keep them safe.
i feel guilty for losing this child who was half of my gorgeous husband,
who wanted this child as much as i did.
i look at my girls and mourn the little one who would have been just as precious as they are.
when you're pregnant, you feel special, useful, everyone is happy and interested in you.
then when you lose it, you are pitied, in the kindest possible way but no longer special.
i felt like i had a purpose, i was nurturing a life, giving my husband another beloved child,
my girls a brother or sister, my family a cousin, niece, nephew, granchild and great grandchild.
now i give nothing, just sorrow.
i am older, it's common i'm told but it feels wrong. if i can still fall pregnant, why can't i carry my child? non-one knows why this happens, it just does and it is heartbreaking.
my heart goes out to all the mama's who have lost a child or more than one
and the women who can't have a child, it stinks, it's not fair.
that also runs through my head over and over, it's not fair! it isn't but you can do nothing about it.
my baby is gone...and i want them back...