i have a confession and here seems as good a place as any, well more private than facebook i guess.
i am mean to my husband, there, i said it...my kind, loving, soulmate of 11 years,
i treat him like crap...a lot.
this is not something i am proud of but i can't seem to control it.
now don't misunderstand me, i love him with my whole heart, he is the only man for me and always will be. but i have become mean, easily angry, critical and stopped showing affection to him.
as i write that tears well up, because i loathe this side of me.
i want it to stop.
i want to turn back the clock and take back everything i've said that is less than kind or loving to him.
i want to be the happy, affectionate, outgoing girl he first met, not this depressed, cranky shrew i am now.
i know a lot of my change in personality is due to depression that started after my first miscarriage and has affected me on and off since then. we have lost 6 babies, my dad died the same year i lost 3 of them and my first marriage was abusive.
i think the depression all came crashing in when i felt safe, thanks to chris, almost like i knew that no matter how i treated him, he would still love me...and he has.
i'm very lucky aren't i?
we try to gentle parent our girls, we are commited to giving them love, respect and freedom to be who they want to be. so why don't i apply those same principles to my husband, he deserves them so much!
i have decided i need to make some changes, start looking after myself, actually taking the things i know will help how i feel. i mean natural things, not drugs
(my choice) not a judgement of anyone who does take them.
my mum, sister and brother have all taken anti-depressants and they had various unpleasant side affects, so i decided to try the natural route instead.
i found a naturopathic antidepressant, st johns wort and also take magnesium chloride powder and maca powder (from a peruvian root) which helps with hormonal imbalances and libido (which has also disappeared) i feel very guilty about this, which also adds to the depression.
remembering to take these things is a problem i have, it's almost like i have a mental block that thinks i don't deserve to feel better...weird how your mind works isn't it? but i need to start feeling better, my family needs a happy mama and my love needs his wife back.
so i guess the whole point of this is to say, if you feel like this too, you're not the only one. i am determined to feel better, to start enjoying life and my family again.
i hide behind the computer and watch tv to escape but i deserve to be more than that. i just need to convince my mind and make it happen.
bye for now my lovelies xx
Oh HUNNY!!
ReplyDeleteI too have to admit that I could treat my Joshie better. Our latest experience with Western Power gave me the wake up I needed to realise how much he does for us, sometimes I don't recognise it.
We are only human and even though what you do is terriblein one aspect, it is great to know that you are comfortable and happy enough with Chris to let those feelings flow. EVEN BETTER, is that he is still there to support you through it. You have a good man and you DO know that, I know you do.
Keep being open with him and soon those feelings will flow freely until all you have left is love love love.
Know that you are loved and you WILL get through this, marriage intact.
Breathe deeply, hug your man, smell his manly B.O and open your heart to the love that you both share. The rest will follow
xxooxxooxxooxxooxxooxxooxxooxxooxxoo
GAPS will help too sweet, if all you remember to do every day is make broth and drink it, you will start to feel better, promise. I have been in exactly the same place as you minus the abusive first husband and miscarriages, and poor Wade copped the lot. He took a long time to trust me again and open and let me back in, but it IS possible and we are better than ever now. You will get better. Hang in there. Tell him you love him and you will get better, daily affirmations help.xxx
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